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Second Helpings

If I went there a second time would anyone really notice?
THE UPSTAIRS ROOM OF A NORTHERN PUB. AN EVENING 'DO' AFTER A WEDDING THAT AFTERNOON. JANET IS THERE AS A GUEST OF THE BRIDE WHO IS A DISTANT RELATIVE. SHE IS ALONE AND DOEN'T REALLY KNOW ANYONE THAT WELL. THE EVENING IS IN FULL SWING. JANET HAS ALREADY VISITED THE BUFFET ONCE, BUT IS TRYING TO DECIDE WHETHER TO GO BACK FOR MORE.
It is a buffet, I mean, you're expected to go and get what you want aren't you? Mind you there'll always be some nosy sod watching, thinking, look at her, she's never stopped eating.
It's not my fault, there's so much black forest gateau, sherry trifle and cheesecake, they always overdo it at parties, putting temptation in everyone's way - especially mine.
Anyway, I deserve it, it's taken me months to get the weight off and it's been hard work. Size 10. ME. Size 10. Someone actually said I looked a bit thin. Jealousy, it's a terrible thing. She was huge, must have been a size 14 or 16, and if she thinks those trousers suit somebody HER size she's sooo wrong.
My mother says she's worried about me - 'you've lost so much weight love, you were such a bonny baby'. I said, I'm worried about you mother, you live in the past, crimplene frocks went out in the 70s, like your husband, my father, and they'll never come back!
JANET LEFT HOME A YEAR AGO, AFTER LIVING AT HOME WITH HER MOTHER FOR THIRTY-FIVE YEARS.
She thinks I'm not looking after myself since I moved into my flat. I can tell you it's wonderful. It's a five minute walk from work so I can pop home for lunch. There's a fish and chip shop, a chinese and a pizza place on the same street, so I can pick up dinner on the way home. There's also a laundrette, a corner shop that sells wonderful home-made cakes and a chemist that opens late - always useful.
The best thing about living on my own is the bathroom and toilet - privacy. No-one shouting 'hurry up' or 'what are you doing in there?'. Fantastic.
Another good thing about living on your own is you can organize yourself. I've got a routine now and I stick to it. Well it works for me.
Must go to the loo.
HAVING RETURNED FROM THE TOILET, JANET SITS DOWN AND CONTINUES TO VIEW THE PROCEEDINGS AND THE PEOPLE.
Tracy Jackson, haven't seen her for years, God, she's put some weight on. Someone should tell her.
Back to the buffet. I might as well have bit of everything, there's loads left and it'll only get thrown away. I love black forest gateau and cream. Heaven.
Everyone goes a bit mad at wedding dos. All the eating and drinking, the dancing and kissing, the arguing and fighting , Well at least there wasn't a fight until AFTER the ceremony at this one.
.................The happy couple, Damian and Kylie..........they looked very serious in church. Probably wondering what God thought of them. I mean they've been living together five years and have a boy four - Ronan(she was a big Boyzone fan) - and another on the way. If it's a girl they're calling it Britney.................I wonder if God minds tattoos and tongue piercings?
They're certainly enjoying themselves tonight, SHE'S definitely eating for two and he must have hollow legs the amount of beer he's put away. She's slim though, you'd never think she was five months pregnant. It was nice of them to invite me. Fancy mum telling them I never went anywhere.
1030pm, I'd better get off. I could get a taxi I suppose. No, I'll walk, the exercise will do me good.
JANET'S FLAT IS SMALL, CLEAN, VERY TIDY AND ALWAYS SMELLS OF BLEACH. IT'S 1130PM AND JANET IS UNDRESSED AND READY FOR BED.
Home Sweet Home.
I like to get to bed early because I'm always up in the night for the loo, which reminds me I must buy some airfreshener and mouthwash tomorrow. You see, the salt water acts almost straight away(yes I've tried the other way, but I once swallowed one of my false nails and it put me right off)but the laxatives take a couple of hours, so I like to get some sleep before they take effect. I can get back to bed after that and weigh myself in the morning. I think I'll have stayed the same.
JANET IS IN BED. IT IS 0430AM
You see, I know it's not good for me, but neither is being overweight. Sunday dinner at Mum's tomorrow. She does the most amazing Yorkshire Puddings.

Dorothy Christie

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