If I went there a second
time would anyone really notice?
THE UPSTAIRS ROOM OF A NORTHERN PUB. AN EVENING 'DO' AFTER
A WEDDING THAT AFTERNOON. JANET IS THERE AS A GUEST OF THE
BRIDE WHO IS A DISTANT RELATIVE. SHE IS ALONE AND DOEN'T
REALLY KNOW ANYONE THAT WELL. THE EVENING IS IN FULL SWING.
JANET HAS ALREADY VISITED THE BUFFET ONCE, BUT IS TRYING
TO DECIDE WHETHER TO GO BACK FOR MORE.
It is a buffet, I mean, you're expected to go and get what
you want aren't you? Mind you there'll always be some nosy
sod watching, thinking, look at her, she's never stopped
It's not my fault, there's so much black forest gateau,
sherry trifle and cheesecake, they always overdo it at parties,
putting temptation in everyone's way - especially mine.
Anyway, I deserve it, it's taken me months to get the weight
off and it's been hard work. Size 10. ME. Size 10. Someone
actually said I looked a bit thin. Jealousy, it's a terrible
thing. She was huge, must have been a size 14 or 16, and
if she thinks those trousers suit somebody HER size she's
My mother says she's worried about me - 'you've lost so
much weight love, you were such a bonny baby'. I said, I'm
worried about you mother, you live in the past, crimplene
frocks went out in the 70s, like your husband, my father,
and they'll never come back!
JANET LEFT HOME A YEAR AGO, AFTER LIVING AT HOME WITH HER
MOTHER FOR THIRTY-FIVE YEARS.
She thinks I'm not looking after myself since I moved into
my flat. I can tell you it's wonderful. It's a five minute
walk from work so I can pop home for lunch. There's a fish
and chip shop, a chinese and a pizza place on the same street,
so I can pick up dinner on the way home. There's also a
laundrette, a corner shop that sells wonderful home-made
cakes and a chemist that opens late - always useful.
The best thing about living on my own is the bathroom and
toilet - privacy. No-one shouting 'hurry up' or 'what are
you doing in there?'. Fantastic.
Another good thing about living on your own is you can organize
yourself. I've got a routine now and I stick to it. Well
it works for me.
Must go to the loo.
HAVING RETURNED FROM THE TOILET, JANET SITS DOWN AND CONTINUES
TO VIEW THE PROCEEDINGS AND THE PEOPLE.
Tracy Jackson, haven't seen her for years, God, she's put
some weight on. Someone should tell her.
Back to the buffet. I might as well have bit of everything,
there's loads left and it'll only get thrown away. I love
black forest gateau and cream. Heaven.
Everyone goes a bit mad at wedding dos. All the eating and
drinking, the dancing and kissing, the arguing and fighting
, Well at least there wasn't a fight until AFTER the ceremony
at this one.
.................The happy couple, Damian and Kylie..........they
looked very serious in church. Probably wondering what God
thought of them. I mean they've been living together five
years and have a boy four - Ronan(she was a big Boyzone
fan) - and another on the way. If it's a girl they're calling
it Britney.................I wonder if God minds tattoos
and tongue piercings?
They're certainly enjoying themselves tonight, SHE'S definitely
eating for two and he must have hollow legs the amount of
beer he's put away. She's slim though, you'd never think
she was five months pregnant. It was nice of them to invite
me. Fancy mum telling them I never went anywhere.
1030pm, I'd better get off. I could get a taxi I suppose.
No, I'll walk, the exercise will do me good.
JANET'S FLAT IS SMALL, CLEAN, VERY TIDY AND ALWAYS SMELLS
OF BLEACH. IT'S 1130PM AND JANET IS UNDRESSED AND READY
Home Sweet Home.
I like to get to bed early because I'm always up in the
night for the loo, which reminds me I must buy some airfreshener
and mouthwash tomorrow. You see, the salt water acts almost
straight away(yes I've tried the other way, but I once swallowed
one of my false nails and it put me right off)but the laxatives
take a couple of hours, so I like to get some sleep before
they take effect. I can get back to bed after that and weigh
myself in the morning. I think I'll have stayed the same.
JANET IS IN BED. IT IS 0430AM
You see, I know it's not good for me, but neither is being
overweight. Sunday dinner at Mum's tomorrow. She does the
most amazing Yorkshire Puddings.